You hipsters are going to go blind



So we all know that most of Generation Y is going to be deaf by the time they’re 30 due to their fandangled iPod kerjiggers and such like blast P-Diddly or whatever his name is directly into their cerebral cortex. What I only recently realised is that those funny looking young people wearing the flannelette an those tight black jeans are going to go blind as well.

No, they’re not going to be blinded by their own off-beat brilliance — a 40W bulb could outshine that. It’s all because of those terribly trendy faux-wayfarer sunglasses which they’re wearing. I realised this yesterday when I ran into a couple of friends who would roughly slot into that grouping at a cafe. I was wearing my own wayfarers and one of them asked to try them on.

“Wow, these are real sunglasses!” he exclaimed.

Unsure if he was using his finely tuned, scathingly sarcastic hipster wit, I asked him if he was being serious.

“Deadly serious,” he assured me, “my fake ones are like clear glass compared to these. The polarising and the UV protection are like whoomph.”

And there it dawned on me. Since hipsters — being considered a nuisance to society and generally unemployable — spend what little money they have on finding jeans which will most likely prevent them from reproducing, and building their record collections, they are left with very little money to purchase sunglasses which are both fashionable and practical. They generally err on the side of fashion, which leaves them with glasses which do not have proper UV protection.

I remember in South Africa a couple of years ago I was told by an Australian tour-guide who I ran into that under-protective sunglasses are worse than no sunglasses at all. See, if you just block the visible light (which is what cheap glasses do) then the wearer opens their eyes more (squinting is your body’s natural reaction to stop excess light and dust from getting in your eyes) and let in all the harmful UV rays, roasting your retinas.

So there you have it hipsters, better to squint a bit and save up for those genuine wayfarers lest you go blind and deaf.